I’m fiiine!!

For someone so seriously in love with the City that never sleeps i haven’t been feeling that connection much lately. Too many people. Too loud. Too fast. Too cold. … No one. Too quiet. Too slow. Too hot. All of the sudden i don’t want to be bothered talking to the guy at the register, explaining him why i need to buy 15 boxes of Kleenex. A moment later i’m cursing the world with a homeless guy who’s giving me a free therapy and sharing his views about my situation that is obviously not even close to his life problems, packed in a cardboard box. Why the hell does the Indian taxi driver need to know why i’m sobbing on the back sit of his yellow office on wheels? I’m sure, my boss’s dog walker could also do without the front row Broadway drama i let out on him the other day. Broken heart comes with a broken personality? It’s like being thrown in the middle of the ocean with the waves pushing you wherever they want to – one day you see the beautiful sand shore in front of you, the next moment, you’re trying to swim away from the rocks you’re about to hit. I’m a non-pregnant woman with all the symptoms of one that actually is. Lets work 14 hours a day to forget about it – can i have a day off, i feel too tired to even breath. I have to call him – lets burn the pictures. I can’t eat anything – i never have enough chocolate for emergencies like that. Don’t feel sorry for me – why don’t you check in on me every 5 minutes of the day?! I’ll save all the money and travel somewhere far to reset my views on life – ah, i need two pairs of Calvin Klein jeans, new iPod, some purple grandma plant and a glittery blue fish for my room… all the stuff to feel the emptiness that suddenly appeared. It works. For the first two hours. Then you see that even Calvin gets stained, the fish’s water needs to be changed, you need to take care of that grandma plant, and your break-up music on your new iPod sounds just as sad as it did before.

I guess when you tell your parents about every major movement and decision you made in your life, things get serious. They get worried so much that they are virtually packing your bags and having you sitting on the first plane going back home. It’s the same with your closest friends. You can see their faces, tears that they share with you, how they are on your side and your side only, 360° and more (even when you’re acting like the biggest jerk), sending chocolates in packets and courage in their voice over the ocean. You can only imagine, how desperately i wanted to just hop on the plane and come home for some real face-to-face conversations, or just to cry for hours in a giant hug, with someone telling me that everything will be ok. Somehow I knew that already. Now i have to accept it. Start with the little silly things like stopping to admire a bird’s nest, looking at magnolias proudly showing off in their favorite time of the year. Children laughing. Dogs running. Saxophone playing in the distance. Rays of sun coming through the leaves… Corny things like that. I’ve been told it helps. Getting drunk sounds so much easier.

On those rare days of extreme uplifts when you feel there’s no mountain high enough, no ocean wide enough, when you could just pick up the whole entire earth, spin it on one finger and throw it in a giant basket ball hoop, screaming scoooore, everything seems normal again. But it’s not. It’s just me now. Me. A new fact i have to adopt as an opportunity or a key if you want, to unlock new doors and see what’s behind them. And not just routinely, with excitement and passion, just as i once did! Bla bla bla…

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Today I lost a shoe. Don’t even ask how. But then I thought, well, aren’t break-ups just like losing a shoe? How will I get to work with just one shoe??! Jumping on one foot seems like a smart thing to do for a while but soon you realize that not only you’re out of breath, but your other feet is hurting and people are looking at you funny. It makes you sad knowing that even if you get a new shoe to match the one you got left with, it will only be a fake, one night stand replacement. But the next thing you know, you’re walking down the 12th avenue, half shoe-less and not even carring anymore. As they say – it’s plenty of shoes out there. You just have to find the ones that fit perfectly.

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10 thoughts

  1. Na vsebino ne bom komentirala, ker si dejansko povedala že vse. Ker dejansko veš že vse. Ampak moram ti pa povedat: that was truly beautifully written!
    Vse naj, naj & drži se!!

  2. …and isn’t it awful – descovering the things and emotions, people have been descovering for centuries- descovering the truth an searching for the path, and all the realizations of all the people before you don’t seem to help. o, how easy it is for your friends, to stand in front of you (more or less) and explain to you, that everything WILL be ok, that time heals all the wounds, and that there are plenty fish in the sea (the comparison with the shoes is ok too)- and they truely believe that, because most of them have been there some time in their lives… probably even more than once. But what you don’t realize in this moment is, that they know, they TRUELY now, that nothing they say, can help the pain you’re feeling and can erase the thouhgts that run through your mind and hold your sanity and happiness a hostage. and that’s what hurts friends and family the most- the realization, that nothing they say, do or send, can realy mend your heart and heal the pain, that all the recognitions from the beggining of the time cannot help- that you, their precious Be(e)ing, are all alone, doing the maturity test (almost as the Darwins survival theory), weather you can go on, cope with tests life brings you – and if/when you do, you will come out even stronger, happier! At this point, i would like to say:”trust me! everything will be fine, better as it was before!” but I won’t. let me just say: I love you and i’m allway there/here if you need a shoulder or an ear.
    This is just one of those times, one is all alone, no matter how many friends one has, how many people one knows and how much money one earns. It is the time for adopting the realizations- that all things happen for a reason … that some people aren’t given to us for all our lives, but we should be grateful for the moments we had with them … that we should learn from them, learn from the past, but most important, leave the past where it belongs – in the past – and move on!
    we are all waiting for you, and will wait as long as it takes!

  3. Auch, (prevec)lepo napisano(in bitter sweet way :)); hope your days get (much MUCH) brighter soon!

    T.

    P.S.
    Sorry for not beeing around!

  4. My dear Pipi! This is so beautiful it made me cry. Write more more and more. Let it all out. Cry if you have to, scream if you want to. I know how strong you are, you can move mountains even when you think that you can’t. I miss you and i love you very very much! xoxox

  5. this is a nice way of letting everything out and thats exactly what you need to do sweets. when the pain ends, dont forget how strong you really are, dust yourself off and shine like you never did before. call whenever. im only a subway ride away. ill bring mr jack if necessary lol love yooooou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. My heart is aching for you.. been there and done that.. it’s just rotten, bloody hell .. no words of wisdom today.. just and “ear” that is listening and a hand extending the Kleenex.. and one giant virtual hug.

    With time everything passes.. that’s all I can say.. hope it is a short time rather than a long time.. most of that depends on you.

    .. and not my words of wisdom but those of my husband.. when you get really down you have to change what your are doing and change what you are thinking.. not easy but not impossible and certainly achievable.

    I think your are wonderful Barbi.. maybe I’ll get to give you real hug later in the year.. and maybe not.. let’s see what life brings us. ❤

    Liz-a-lot

  7. And I’d give up forever to touch you
    Cause I know that you feel me somehow
    You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
    And I don’t want to go home right now

    And all I can taste is this moment
    And all I can breathe is your life
    Cause sooner or later it’s over
    I just don’t want to miss you tonight

    And I don’t want the world to see me
    Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
    When everything’s made to be broken
    I just want you to know who I am

    And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
    Or the moment of truth in your lies
    When everything seems like the movies
    Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

    And I don’t want the world to see me
    Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
    When everything’s made to be broken
    I just want you to know who I am

    I don’t want the world to see me
    Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
    When everything’s made to be broken
    I just want you to know who I am

    I just want you to know who I am
    I just want you to know who I am
    I just want you to know who I am
    I just want you to know who I am

  8. Well, baby, here we are again with something in common. I lost my shoe, too. What is even worst, I lost both of them. The whole pair. My head full of emmental holes, hidden behind the semi stupid face has no justification nor explanation. But the black pair is gone. Thank God I still have husband. Will keep him company barefoot. He hated the lost pair anyway. Who knows who hated your shoe…

  9. Who needs shoes anyway, you can’t feel the ground beneath you. 😉
    I lost my jacket, my gloves etc. this winter. But then again I lost (wasn’t given or didn’t earn or didn’t make) a lot of things in my life. Still here. Didn’t really straighten things out with myself (yet! – I didn’t have time, haha). Ergo, still a pain in the ass. Still making the same mistakes. You know you got something going when you relate to House in just a few points and you’re actually much worse. :)) Life even gets better, if you’re a Nightmare on Elm Street fan, and the poor sleep really gives your face a great look. It’s been known as “like shit”. :)) Compared mostly to being run over by a truck. Sounds familiar?
    Well, don’t make it permanent. Life’s a timeline, don’t get stuck. Trust me. Reprogram, reset, paint a new mindscape. Like changing a wallpaper.
    🙂 Yes, I make things sound easy.

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