I was thinking the other day (this is what i do a lot lately, since someone is on a dead line with his first movie and will probably finish on a death row if he’s not done soon – completely my decision and i tend to keep my promises as you know!! But then again, i’ve always been a fan of ‘go-away-give-me-a-chance-to-miss-you’ relationships…) how predictable life really is. From the lunar phases to the galaxy collisions, i’m sure indian prophets can even predict all the natural disasters coming our way, and not to mention all the grandmothers, suffering from the back pain, pushing umbrellas in our hands… On more individual and personal level, there is a path we have chosen, people coming and going out of our life (and coming back again), the tears we cry the smiles we share, our theme songs for the week (sorry, short attention span), favorite spots we rush to… It all has a reason and a meaning. The only trust i require is knowing that where there is one ending there will always be another beginning, because something always dies in order for something else to live. The only question is what or who exactly. I’ve made a big decision a couple of weeks ago and once i felt comfortable enough with it myself, i started sharing it with people that mean the most to me. When i say i felt comfortable with the idea, it doesn’t necessarily mean i was totally at ease with it, right the opposite – a nervous wreck that was crying every couple of minutes, going back and forth, unpacking and packing the suitcase, although i passionately hate doing both of the last mentioned. But it’s only when you’re afraid, that you can truly say you’re alive, so i’ve found an endless source of positive energy, optimism and enormous will to realize what i want to. I’d be wrong to expect everyone jumping through the roof hearing about my decision, but i was really touched by the warmth and thoughtful wishes that most of you were prepared to send my way. There’s not a ‘thank-you’ big enough and i promise to get in touch with each and every one of you individually, preferably over the phone if not, at least via e-mail. Hold me on to that! On the other side, there are people that feel it’s worth keeping in contact with me, because it’s always nice to have a “friend” in New York and it might come in handy one day when you accidentally land in JFK with no place to go. I’m not stupid, blind, naive or whatever you would like me to be… And of course, there were some, that shocked me with their reactions, but i guess i have to learn again never to expect too much from anyone. Although it’s not easy when people you keep close, behave in this unbelievably destructive ways and disappoint you in issues of distrust or whatever or by being careless with their words, my words and voicing what are maybe their true feelings of me to everyone but me. Usually, i would bite into a problem face on, with a confrontation in words but i no longer see much point in doing so since there is no sign from another side. There’s not much else to do, so i’ve decided to keep a safe distance from that kind of people. Kudos to someone who managed to express such a profound truth in a simple, witty remark: “If you hang out with dream killers, you need lots of pain killers.” I don’t need someone full of doubts, negativism, fears, someone completely paranoid with my life, my decisions and my path, especially since their own life might not or hasn’t exactly been a fairy-tale. Don’t you think i constantly keep on asking myself millions of questions over and over again? It’s not like i enjoy going to bed at 4 AM, worrying and questioning myself with a third degree about every single doubt i can possibly have, every single fear that’s sitting right next to me and challenging me to crush down and admit to myself i won’t be able to make it. You know what? I will!! I’ve got all i lost and more… In the last couple of days i’ve been tested every single hour or so just as someone, whoever, wanted to see if i’m really as though as i try to present myself and wow, look, i’m still here. I’m not a player, this determination comes from the inside and even if everything turns out to be completely wrong, even if i take a fatal bite into a poisonous Big Apple, at least i won’t have to wake up in my bed every morning, rethinking and asking myself the same “what-if” question before even opening my eyes, because i’ll know. And yes, i’m not afraid of admitting my mistakes or ending up crushed and burned, my biggest fear is not to walk down the road i want, the directions i’m curious about, the mysteries that tempt me… The scars that i’m about to get are the scars i’m meant to have and the scars that will be the testimony of the road i’ve chosen. Ah, what a poet, huh? lol Yes, life could be so very simple but i’d rather have everything other than that. Because from simple i get to usual and from there to boring and the only direction i see from boring is a retrograding flow on every possible aspect of life. Not my cup of tea. To be honest, yes, there are reasons shaped like a human beings of a male species behind my decision but the main reason is me. Cuz i can, as our LA lady says it best. And that’s the attitude i’m going for, because it’s the only attitude that will help me survive. Just imagine what a killer combination this will make together with the wild beast patiently purring inside me, prepared for the biggest challenges yet to come.
A very good friend also said to me: “You are either with me, against me or you’re not there at all.” As it may sound a bit pumped up and faintly aloof, it’s in fact a very courteous way of saying what i’d really like to say but i won’t, because it might include my favorite ‘F’ word which i haven’t yet used in this post and i don’t want to mess it up since i’m almost done. Let mama be proud of me for once! 🙂