My moral obligation and the biggest challenge up to date

 

“…What Jung called ‘the moral obligation’ to live out and to express what one has learned in the descent or ascent to the wild Self. This moral obligation he speaks of means to live what we perceive, be it is found in the psychic Elysian fields, the isles of the dead, the bone deserts of the psyche, the face of the mountain, the rock of the sea, the lush underworld – anyplace where La Que Sabe breathes upon us, changing us. Our work is to show we have been breathed upon – to show it, give it out, sing it out, to live out in the topside world what we have received through our sudden knowings, from body, from dreams and journeys of all sorts.” (C.P.Estes – Women Who Run with the Wolves: p.31)

I was thinking the other day (this is what i do a lot lately, since someone is on a dead line with his first movie and will probably finish on a death row if he’s not done soon – completely my decision and i tend to keep my promises as you know!! But then again, i’ve always been a fan of ‘go-away-give-me-a-chance-to-miss-you’ relationships…) how predictable life really is. From the lunar phases to the galaxy collisions, i’m sure indian prophets can even predict all the natural disasters coming our way, and not to mention all the grandmothers, suffering from the back pain, pushing umbrellas in our hands… On more individual and personal level, there is a path we have chosen, people coming and going out of our life (and coming back again), the tears we cry the smiles we share, our theme songs for the week (sorry, short attention span), favorite spots we rush to… It all has a reason and a meaning. The only trust i require is knowing that where there is one ending there will always be another beginning, because something always dies in order for something else to live. The only question is what or who exactly. I’ve made a big decision a couple of weeks ago and once i felt comfortable enough with it myself, i started sharing it with people that mean the most to me. When i say i felt comfortable with the idea, it doesn’t necessarily mean i was totally at ease with it, right the opposite – a nervous wreck that was crying every couple of minutes, going back and forth, unpacking and packing the suitcase, although i passionately hate doing both of the last mentioned. But it’s only when you’re afraid, that you can truly say you’re alive, so i’ve found an endless source of positive energy, optimism and enormous will to realize what i want to. I’d be wrong to expect everyone jumping through the roof hearing about my decision, but i was really touched by the warmth and thoughtful wishes that most of you were prepared to send my way. There’s not a ‘thank-you’ big enough and i promise to get in touch with each and every one of you individually, preferably over the phone if not, at least via e-mail. Hold me on to that! On the other side, there are people that feel it’s worth keeping in contact with me, because it’s always nice to have a “friend” in New York and it might come in handy one day when you accidentally land in JFK with no place to go. I’m not stupid, blind, naive or whatever you would like me to be… And of course, there were some, that shocked me with their reactions, but i guess i have to learn again never to expect too much from anyone. Although it’s not easy when people you keep close, behave in this unbelievably destructive ways and disappoint you in issues of distrust or whatever or by being careless with their words, my words and voicing what are maybe their true feelings of me to everyone but me. Usually, i would bite into a problem face on, with a confrontation in words but i no longer see much point in doing so since there is no sign from another side. There’s not much else to do, so i’ve decided to keep a safe distance from that kind of people. Kudos to someone who managed to express such a profound truth in a simple, witty remark: “If you hang out with dream killers, you need lots of pain killers.” I don’t need someone full of doubts, negativism, fears, someone completely paranoid with my life, my decisions and my path, especially since their own life might not or hasn’t exactly been a fairy-tale. Don’t you think i constantly keep on asking myself millions of questions over and over again? It’s not like i enjoy going to bed at 4 AM, worrying and questioning myself with a third degree about every single doubt i can possibly have, every single fear that’s sitting right next to me and challenging me to crush down and admit to myself i won’t be able to make it. You know what? I will!! I’ve got all i lost and more… In the last couple of days i’ve been tested every single hour or so just as someone, whoever, wanted to see if i’m really as though as i try to present myself and wow, look, i’m still here. I’m not a player, this determination comes from the inside and even if everything turns out to be completely wrong, even if i take a fatal bite into a poisonous Big Apple, at least i won’t have to wake up in my bed every morning, rethinking and asking myself the same “what-if” question before even opening my eyes, because i’ll know. And yes, i’m not afraid of admitting my mistakes or ending up crushed and burned, my biggest fear is not to walk down the road i want, the directions i’m curious about, the mysteries that tempt me… The scars that i’m about to get are the scars i’m meant to have and the scars that will be the testimony of the road i’ve chosen. Ah, what a poet, huh? lol Yes, life could be so very simple but i’d rather have everything other than that. Because from simple i get to usual and from there to boring and the only direction i see from boring is a retrograding flow on every possible aspect of life. Not my cup of tea. To be honest, yes, there are reasons shaped like a human beings of a male species behind my decision but the main reason is me. Cuz i can, as our LA lady says it best. And that’s the attitude i’m going for, because it’s the only attitude that will help me survive. Just imagine what a killer combination this will make together with the wild beast patiently purring inside me, prepared for the biggest challenges yet to come.

Getting the big news over the iChat… even Apple doesn’t make it any easier, right T? lol

A very good friend also said to me: “You are either with me, against me or you’re not there at all.” As it may sound a bit pumped up and faintly aloof, it’s in fact a very courteous way of saying what i’d really like to say but i won’t, because it might include my favorite ‘F’ word which i haven’t yet used in this post and i don’t want to mess it up since i’m almost done. Let mama be proud of me for once! 🙂

To put it out of this abstract ramblings and into the bold font for all of you folks not having any idea what i’m talking about here: I’m staying in New York!

Stay curious and… believe!!

B
xxx
P.S.: In zrla sem ta prave cevapcice od ta pravih Hrvatov s ta pravim ajvarjem in v ta pravi druzbi. Good stuff!! Hahaha. Uuu, in po vecerji sedela na usnjeni zofi na robu plocnika in cakala taksi. In style.
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16 thoughts

  1. Upraviceno. Follow life… In ne dvomi v uspeh. Poznamo te, vemo, da ti bo uspelo in tudi, da odlocitev ni bila lahka. Ampak sem pa ziher, da je bila premisljena. Me veseli, da si nasla nacin, da ostanes tam, kjer zelis, in seveda kapo dol za strong backbone, ki ti daje moc, da to uresnicis.
    Skoraj ne dvomim, da te ta odlocitev ne bo peljala nekam na lepse. Ce ne drugega, pa bo super izkusnja. V vsakem primeru, pa imas prihodnost, ki se jo lahko veselis ali jo vsaj z zanimanjem pricakujes.

    Pogresali te bomo itak, ampak vsaj vemo da se splaca, ce si ti srecna.

    Pridna bodi!
    hugs & *** v NY

    p.s.: “where there is one ending there will always be another beginning, because something always dies in order for something else to live”… Speak for yourself, hahaha 😀 😀 😀 😀

  2. Awww so beautifully written! i hope you know by now that i fit into the big ‘F’ category and babes, how many times do i need to tell you, you were not made for your little home town. rise and shine. no matter what, pain nourishes courage. you can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you, so there, take chances, make mistakes. that’s how you grow and you always have to fail in order to practice being brave. from the bottom of the heart of your supper smart ass friend who loves you endlessly and beyond, bex xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  3. Yo Yo Yo tamala! NY : SLO = 1 : 0 Spet smo mi na zgubi. 🙂 Drzi se, odstrani kompost puhoglavcev in nacickanih ovitkov nafilanih s fousijo. Pa najt kdaj cajt na ksn mail odgovorit. 😛 Huggy

  4. Luka, odlocitev definitivno ni bila lahka, ampak potem, ko je enkrat zacvetela v glavi, ni bilo vec problema in sem vedela, da tako enostavno mora bit in konec.

    Tale missing part bo pa itak obojestranski. In poglej, zdaj imas se en dodaten razlog, da res na svoji metli sem priletis. Pa glej, da ta glavno carovnico tudi s sabo vzames. 😉

    Barbi vedno pridna! … Jao, na, zdaj pa spet z nosom po monitorju kraspam. No, ok, skoraj vedno sem pridna. 😛

    Hugs & *** nazaj

    P.S.: A to je kao tvoja ljubosumna reakcija na mojo pozrtijo s cevapcici? lol

  5. ja ..res je bla težka odločitev… :))))) haha nč naum rekla :))) luka ja ni drugega boš moral v NY :)) te čevapčiče boš pa zdej sanjala še cel lajf al ka :)) nared si jih, kup meso pa delaj :))) a ti morm vse js al ka? 🙂

  6. @ Ales: Moral bi videt video posnetek. Hahaha. Za crknit, kaj vse je folk pri 20 something zmozen pocet. Se dobro, da mi na osebni pise, da sem rojena 1984, drugace bi sama veckrat podvomila v to. 😉

    @ Bex: You fit into so many categories you can’t even imagine. Thanks for your beautiful words and shared wisdom. Friends forever! Love you!!

    @ Anzy: NY : SLO = 2 : 0. I’m stealing people, a to je next blog material! 😛 You kick ass, man! Za kompost pa niti ni vec casa – prezveceno, pozabljeno. Je pa res, da se v takih situacijah vedno pokaze kdo je pravi in kdo fake – can’t fool the master. 😉 Mail, ok! Dobis. Vsak dan, veckrat. 😛

  7. Ursa, hold your fafla! 😉 Ja, tocno tko. V NY bo treba. Sicer pa nacrtovanje takega “izletka” v povprecju ne vzame vec kot 15 minut. Govorim iz lastnih izkusenj, a ne Lojza?
    Mmm, cevapcici!! Pa vedno se spomnim na njih, ko se mi pajcevina dela po vampu. Ja, sej zato te pa mam, a ne. Bodi koristna! 😛

  8. haha vzame ti povprecno 15 minut in to ob 4 zjutri 🙂 probite prakticirat 🙂

    ja sj jih bos dobla :)) pocak se mal :))

  9. @ Sekundek: Uros, still alive & kicking. Kam si pobegnil morje, hribi, jame? 😉

    @ Ursa: Juhu, it’s all working out for me, see? 😀 Aha, pol smo bli na tem koncu se zgodnji v bistvu, tko da nimam izgovorov, da nisem bla prisebna. Ceprav glede na to, kar smo nardile, bi marsikdo pomislil… Eh, nimas kej – CARICE!! 😀

  10. Letos sem jo kr na Kreto ubral, ker kakšnih večjih eksperimentov v tem času ni ravno priporočljivo izvajati. Grčije sem pa kolikor toliko vajen, če bi karkoli nepredvidenega vmes prišlo.

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